Today marks my 50th day of lockdown, and oh, what a roller coaster it has been.
When my office first announced that we’d be working from home amid COVID concerns, I was reasonably optimistic that I would be able to easily weather out this storm. I was one of the lucky ones – I still had a job, with no [small] kids to worry about teaching/entertaining, and generally don’t mind working from my apartment.
However, unlike all the internet memes, my life was not suddenly riddled with all this extra time, despite the epic to-do list I had already made. Instead, I faced a particularly busy and stressful couple of weeks at work. I easily spent 10-12 hours in my chair, unmoving from the dining table. Unhealthy, I know. It was hard to concentrate – there were more meetings, and work just seemed like more effort than usual. When it was finally time to shut down the laptop, I couldn’t bring myself to do anything productive, even simple things like reading. I felt both unmotivated and restless at the same time.
It wasn’t until I stumbled across this article in the HBR: That discomfort you’re feeling is grief that it started to make sense. Even though I had leaned into self-isolation early on, out of precaution, I wasn’t feeling loneliness. My lightbulb moment was realizing that it was the discomfort of not know what’s to come or how long it’s going to last. This was a type of grief, that I was processing. It was a shock to the system to be in an entirely new and restricted routine, regardless of how hopeful I was. I was in denial for a good two or three weeks, convincing myself that this would be over before we know it. I bypassed anger and bargaining and eventually fell into a slump that was fueled by the awful, awful news I heard every morning.
However, identifying my ennui as grief helped me process it all. Instead of being self-critical or worrying about being productive, I simply rode that emotional roller coaster. I spent my time either working or binging nostalgic favorites of mine – Gilmore Girls, Schitt’s Creek, Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Mad Men. As someone who hasn’t gone through the cycle of grief, I was surprised for how long it would take to feel “normal” again – a full six weeks to find acceptance of the situation.
And though there are still no clear answers to when this pandemic might be over, with the prospects of many of low days in my future, this normal isn’t so bad. I’m feeling like myself again – picking up the proverbial pen and getting back to the blog. Here’s to more of that! 🙂
